They'd Never Say That!
by 13litz13last
Summary: A collection of things Naruto characters would NEVER say. Spoilers, probably. Largely inappropriate. Quotes can be from any point in the series that a character acted a certain way. Caution: Major swearing
1. Chapter 1: Naruto

Things Naruto would never say:

1) I give up.

2) Sasuke, you're better than me.

3) Here, Itachi, have my Kyuubi.

4) I'm glad I have you, Sasuke.

5) You're right, Sasuke.

6) I hate ramen.

7) Why am I so puny?

8) I'll never be as cool as Sasuke.

9) I'll never be strong.

10) Icha Icha Paradise is my favorite.

11) Where's all the boobies?

12) Gaara's so lucky.

13) I wish I didn't have friends.

14) I'm so unlucky. My life is so sad. Wah, wah, blubber, blubber.

15) You can have the fame, Sasuke. I don't care.

16) Ugh, I don't wanna be Hokage! Kiba, want to take over?


	2. Chapter 2: Sasuke

This is before the final Itachi vs. Sasuke battle, just so you know. Well, some of it, anyway.

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Things Sasuke would never say:

1) I love you, Itachi.

2) Naruto's so much better than me.

3) I love Sakura.

4) Itachi's so cool.

5) Itachi's got the coolest hair.

6) I think I love Naruto.

7) Ugh, I hate Chidori! Teach me something else, Kakashi!

8) I'm so glad I don't have Mom to nag on me anymore...

9) Itachi's too far ahead. I should just give up.

10) Naruto's too cute for me! My eyes are bleeding! Oh, wait...

11) My black rubber Chunin exam outfit is so...rubbery!

12) Oh, my God! I just CANNOT believe it's not butter!

13) I wonder if Naruto likes giant purple ropes...?

14) I should ask for dating advice from Kabuto...

15) God, my voice was so gay when I was little.

16) Why doesn't big brother like me?

17) Kakashi...your hair...is so...fuzzy...and...pointy...x3

18) Naruto, I gotta know. Are those whiskers or scratches? If they're scratches, were you being naughty? x3

19) Red clouds are sooooo the rage...

20) I get my fashion sense from my brother.


	3. Chapter 3: Sakura

The first (and currently only) person who ever reviewed this fan fiction asked for Sakura, and thought I wasn't gonna do Sakura, out of gratitude, I'm going to do her. Thank you, anonymous person.

Also, this is the tenth chapter thingy! Yayz!

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What Sakura would never say:

1) I dye my hair pink. I'm actually a brunette. Not a stupid blond, like ino-pig!

2) I have voices in my head O.o

3) I kick puppies.

4) Naruto's so cute.

5) Sasuke's so ugly. He sucks.

6) Go Kakasaku!

7) Bitch, please.

8) I love Itachi!

9) How about instead of me being nurse you get to be the doctor and I'll let you do whatever you want ;)

10) Itachi fangirl xD

11) My Inner Sakura is ugly because she represents my personality.

12) Sasuke and me got intimate once. I couldn't believe my luck. Until I pulled down his pants.

13) God, I'm so spoiled.

14) Tsunade's a bitch, I hate her.

15) Naruto, you can save Sasuke. I couldn't care less.

16) Party boy! Whoop!

17) Shit, where are my tampons!?

18) I don't care what people think of me.

19) I think student-teacher relationships are great *winks at Kakashi*

20) 666, bitches.

21) Sasuke, if you let me go with you to Orochimaru, I'll even do Orochimaru! *Orochimaru: Hellz no, bitch. Only guys ;)*


	4. Chapter 4: Kakashi

Things Kakashi would never say:

1) Obito was such a weakling.

2) God, I wish I had peripheral vision...

3) No, I don't have pink eye!

4) Sasuke reminds me of Obito.

5) You suck, go burn in hell.

6) I'm so excited.

7) I feel hyper.

8) I feel so...well...youthful!

9) Ha, take that, Guy! Number 50, me!

10) Hey, Asuma, Kurenai, it takes three to party!

11) Jiraiya, share with me your secrets to the way of women!

12) I miss you, Daddy.

13) Heh heh...moooo...heh heh...dance, cow; dance!

14) Pass the porn *cough* ramen, Naruto!

15) I'm naturally a redhead.

16) Wow, Naruto. I could never copy that cool technique! (Get it, Sharingan? xD)

17) You're right, Sakura. I should sit up straight.

18) Sorry, I'm early.

19) Sakura, you're such a goody-two-shoes lovergirl bitch. You fail at life.

20) Naruto, you're an ADHD OCD ADD phsyco. Leave me alone.

21) Sasuke, you're a bastard who cares about no one but yourself. You're blind to your brother's real nature, and you're a total jerk all around. I love you.

--

Sorry about the last three. I kinda got carried away...


	5. Chapter 5: Sai

Things Sai would never say:

1) Sakura, you're beautiful.

2) Puppies...are...so...cute........

3) My sweat feels funny.

4) Naruto, what a big dick you have!

5) I likez to drawz.

6) My bro was a douche.

7) All that matters is the mission. All that matters is the mission. All that matters--ooooh, a butterfly!

8) Look at the ROOTS on that tree!!

9) I'm a fashion diva.

10) And I'll name this little mousey Veronica, and this one Stefan...

11) Oh noez, I got ink in my hair! Forget the mission, someone get me some shampoo...

12) Orochimaru, Danzo told me that if I have to, I'll be willing to do some...sexual favors to get you to join us.

13) I only went to Orochimaru for Kabuto...

14) Yamato senpai, you got one hell of a woodie...ah ha...ha...

15) I believe I can fly~~~

16) Hmm, so this books says I should smack Sakura's ass to make her like me...

17) Smiles are the first step towards gaining someone's trust! :D (Actually, he did say that...)

18) My elixir IS made of piss and ink!! (Sweeney Todd moment there, sorry...)

19) Oh, so Naruto and Sasuke have _that _kind of relationship? *Naruto blushes**Naruto: No!!!*

20) SaiNaru bitch! Sasuke, you jealous yet?

21) Umm...Naruto, dear, can you get outta bed and close the curtains? I think Sakura is watching us...

22) I have an obsession...with penises.

23) If I have to be a Baka...can I at least be Baka-kun??


	6. Chapter 6: Gaara

Ok, some of this is before Gaara became awesome, before he realized how Naruto lived and stuff, so some of it means he's all emo and crap. Get it?--

Things Gaara would never say:

1) I feel so loved.

2) I need to wash off this temporary tattoo...

3) What is love? Baby, don't hurt me...don't hurt me...no more...

4) Pretty explosions...they're shaped like birdies...

5) My...hand...is this...my hand? Me...Gaara...I'm so pretty! x3

6) I love you.

7) I'd do anything for you.

8) Friends are what makes people strong.

9) I love your outfit!

10) I'm so much prettier than you.

11) Ha. I'm Kazekage, bitch.

12) I feel like cuddling x3

13) Oh, no, my mascara is smearing!

14) Shit, Lee is so stylish!

15) Whoa...so many...boobies...am I in heaven? *Kankuro: No, you walked into a porn shop, idiot.*

16) Has anyone seen a giant purplish-brown badger-like monster around here? Oh, no, don't worry, he's completely harmless...here, kitty, kitty, monster...

17) I feel so lucky.

18) *Playing in sand* Oops, I crushed an ant...oops, another...oops, another...oops, ten...oops, fifty...oops...heehee...oops...Oh, my God...what the...no...they're...they're all over! Everywhere!...Get off...Gah!

19) Those eyes...they know real isolation...so does my fist connecting with your face...

20) Well, at least I died a meaningful death...oh...wait...


	7. Chapter 7: Shikamaru

Things Shikamaru would never say:

1) I'm so pumped up!

2) I'm so hyper!

3) I hate watching clouds.

4) You're too fat, Choji.

5) I love you, Ino.

6) I love you, Temari.

7) This is so not a drag.

8) CUPCAKES?!

9) Nice face paint, Hidan. Could I have some?

10) Cool. Tentacles...

11) I hate pony tails.

12) I wanted to look like my hero, Iruka.

13) Heh heh. With my shadow technique, I can make you take off your shirt, Ino... ;)

14) Oh, no, Asuma, you beat me!

15) Oh, my IQ test says 70...

16) Yay! I studied so hard for this test that I got 100!

17) Let's try our best, everyone!

18) Can I take a _drag _from that smoke, Asuma?

19) Look at the pretty deers! Squeeee! =D

20) I like Naruto's face scratches! I want some! *takes out kunai* *Choji: No, Shikamaru, don't--oh, shit. Asuma-sensei...! Shikamaru was being emo again!*


	8. Chapter 8: Orochimaru

The parantheses is me talking, by the way.

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Things Orochimaru would never say:

1) Akatsuki, please take me back! ='[

2) Kabuto, you look so sexy!

3) Heehee...pretty snake...lovely snake...sexy snake...;)

4) Kimimaro needs to eat more. I can see his ribs. (xD)

5) Sasuke's hair looks like a little birdy. Squee, little birdy xD *Sasuke: Ugh! Itachi said that same thing! x(*

6) Kabuto, does this rope make me look fat?

7) You gonna eat that? *swallows steak whole*

8) Oh, little snakey, you want to live inside me too? Well, I think I have some place beside my Kusanagi blade, past the king cobras and vipers, somewhere in my gull bladder...

9) Kabuto, where's my eye make-up!

10) I enjoy the little things in life. Like my sexual organs. (Omg, lol!)

11) Jiraiya's so sexy.

12) Mmmm...organs.... *Itachi: that's my line!**Itachi cuts off Orochimaru's arm*

13) I wonder if I could create a half-weasel, half-man. Oh, that's already invented. Itachi.

14) I wonder if I could make a half-fox, half-boy. Oops, Naruto.

15) Half-panzee, half-boy? Sasuke.

16) Mirror, mirror, on the wall; who's the fairest of them all? *Mirror: everyone.**Smashes mirror*

17) If Kimimaro can make his bones extra hard, I wonder how hard he can make his _boner_? (OMG. LMAO)

18) Let's play Snakes and Ladders!

19) Kabuto! We gotta see Anaconda is the cinema!

20) Michael Jackson's got nothin' on me.


	9. Chapter 9: Jiraiya

Ummm, this one is pretty innappropriate, because it's Jiraiya. I'd say if your really young this could be a bit much in some places. Viewer discretion is advised. Lol, I always wanted to say that.

Things Jiraiya would never say:

1) Haha, Kakashi's hair makes him look like an old man. I'm glad I don't look like that! =]

2) Oh, no, I'm totally young. I'll be twenty-six next month...

3) Cutey froggy! xD

4) Wow...that wart on my nose is so...big...*poke*

5) Damn it, Pain is just too hard. *Takes out Death Note*

6) Wow, so many rings in his eyes. Heh...this reminds me of college when I had some bad mushrooms...whoa, that takes me back...

7) I don't feel like research today...

8) Ew, I don't feel like reading pron today.

9) Tsunade's boobs are small -_-

10) Naruto's a genuis.

11) Minato was such a failure.

12) "Destined Child"? Why can't it be a "Destined Woman"? (Actually, he probably would say that xD)

13) WHOA! I never noticed it before! The HELL are those red lines of my face? Did I get run over by a Hotwheels toy? GOSH!

14) I know your true identity now, Pain! You're that porn star all across the internet who has the peircing on his ****!

15) A destined child who would save the world from ruin or burn it to ashes? Oh, ok, no pressure...

16) I have a confession to make...I'm gay.

17) Boobies are yucky.

18) Um...this is sorta embarrassing...but how are babies made?

19) I just found out I'm a father. *Naruto and peoples gasp* What, you think I could play it safe ALL the time?


	10. Chapter 10: Tsunade

Things Tsunade would never say:

1) I hate alcohol.

2) I've joined AA.

3) Gambling is wrong.

4) My boobs are small.

5) Orochimaru's so hot.

6) Dan's a loser.

7) Nawaki was so annoying.

8) I love being old.

9) I want to marry Jiraiya!

10) It's Britney, bitch. (Heh...)

11) Mess with me, I'll go _PMS_ on yo ass!

12) Mess with me, I'll go _Sannin _on yo ass!

13) I'm so ghetto.

14) Blood, mmm.

15) I'm so weak.

16) Orochimaru, you're face is so ugly. I wonder if I could make it better by pounding you? (Wow, that was stupid. Sorry.)

17) Aha! I won!

18) I don't have a lot of money, no. But I do what I have to do...

19) A drink? No, thanks...

20) Hey, kids, drink alcohol and you'll end up like me! *Everyone drops their drinks*

21) Ah, 21. Legal drinking age. Never looked back.

22) Shizune, stop stalking me.

23) Aww, Tonton. What a cutey-wootie...

24) My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard...

25) Oh, hey, I'm your nurse today! I'm a woman, so I can't be a doctor because men have oppressed women for a long, long time! (Sorry, women's rights joke xD)

26) Hey, watch Baywatch. _I'm _on it. *Ratings fly up*

--

Ok, people. Listen up. I'm kinda losing ideas for people. So, if you want, in your reviews (You know I love them!) Give me some ideas. So, yeah. Bye =].


	11. Chapter 11: Hinata

Things Hinata would never say:

1) I'm gonna beat your ass!

2) Go ahead, take me on! You can't beat me!

3) Bitch!

4) I'm so headstrong.

5) Naruto sucks.

6) I love Neji.

7) Stupid cadet branch.

8) I'm so strong.

9) Naruto, I totally like you and I want to go out with you. (This is implying that Hinata can't say such things or construct a full sentence without stuttering)

10) I'm gonna be Hokage! Believe it!

11) Pupils are overrated.

12) Naruto, don't you like my big, white eyes?

13) Hanabi is such a bitch.

14) I dyed my hair red to be spontaneous. (Totally random)

15) I'm gonna join Akatsuki one day just so I can capture Naruto's heart. (Aw, that was sickly cute, actually xD)

16) My blood temperature is naturally low so I have to wear this weird eskimo coat.

17) My life is meaningless without Naruto. And Twilight, of course...

18) To Naruto: I love blondes with orange jumpsuits. *Naruto: Good luck finding one of those.*


	12. Chapter 12: Kiba

Ok, I got bored, so, Hanakisa? I took your advice. Kiba!

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Things Kiba would never say:

1) Bad dog, Akamaru!

2) Cats are cooler than dogs!

3) My mom looks like a guy O.o

4) I eat dog food o.e

5) I'm allergic to dogs.

6) I love Hinata!

7) Kurenai's hot.

8) Akamaru pwns you! (Ok, well, he would say that, I guess.)

9) My dad left us because he saw my face when I was born xD

10) I'm really a vampire. See my teeth? Though I gotta say werewolves are cooler...

11) Me and Akamaru do _everything _together. Sleep, eat, bathe, pee...Yeah, Hinata's still black-mailing me with _that _picture...

12) Scooby-Doo is my _hero, _yo.

13) Planet of the Apes? Sheesh. Planet of the Dogs! Boo-yah!

14) Who let the dogs out? I did! I did!

15) I look _dope. _

16) Aooooooh! (That's a howl, by the way)

17) *Sniffs Hinata's butt**Hinata: Kiba!* What? I'm just saying hi in dog talk... *winks at Akamaru*

18) Akamaru! Yeah! Dynamic Marking! No! Not at me! Ahhh! (That's when he's peeing in the air, by the way)

19) I have rabies o.e

20) Ack, what is this, Mom? *Mother: It's your collar--er--dog tag!*

21) *First time using soldier pills on Akamaru* Er...calm down...Akamaru...calm...down...ack! Good doggy! No! I need that to reproduce with!

22) I disguised my drugs as soldier pills...hee hee...


	13. Chapter 13: Shino

Things Shino would never say:

1) Crap, there are bugs EVERYWHERE.

2) What was that, tree? Kill everyone?

3) I...love...bugs o.e

4) Hinata, if you let me see your boobs, I'll let you touch my stick bug ;)

5) I have blue eyes. Did you know that?

6) Yes, my buggsly friends...while Akamaru is sleeping...hee-hee...hee...

7) Kiba, I'll give you fucking fleas if you do that again!

8) Duderz, I gotz mad skills!!

9) I wear my suuuunglasses at night, so I can, so I can...

10) I eat babiez o.e

12) Coming home for hu~ugs...be good to bugs...

13) Ha. I skipped 11. You didn't notice.

14) Did you look to check? Ahhh, idiots. You're all my slaves!

15) OMG!!! THERE'S ANTS _EVERYWHERE!!_ Oh, wait...

16) Cra~awling in my skin, these wounds, they wi~ill not he~al...fear is how I fa~all, confusing what is re~al...

17) Do the worm, everybody!!! *writhes on floor*

18) Cocaine's one hell of a drug...

19) Rrr...Kiba...one of these days...one of these days...

20) Should I get a perm?

21) *looks in the mirror* DA FUCK IS THAT??? IS THAT MY FACE??? CRAAAP!!!

22) Is it any surprise I have crabs...?

23) Why am I so goddamn awesome? I mean, shit!!


	14. Chapter 14: Sasori

Things Sasori would never say:

1) I've been waiting for you. I don't mind.

2) I'm very patient.

3) Deidara looks cute in that hat...

4) Sakura looked so cute when she killed me...

5) I chose Kabuto to be my slave-spy because he was such a cute wittle kid xD

6) The reason I looked so ugly in my puppet was because I used to be Orochimaru's partner, and his ugliness rubbed off on me. It was a good thing Itachi was near me some of the time, his sexiness saved me...

7) Granny! It's so good to see you! How are you?

8) *Shakes red hair* I'm too sexy for my puppet...

9) I make the clay for Deidara's bombing. Don't ask me where it comes from...xD

10) All my human parts are in this compartment on my chest, but even so, I can somehow talk, see, and hear, and probably other things. Since I have to do all the life processes to be alive, I'll have to excrete, too, and somehow eat...It makes total scientific sense.

11) I like Sakura even though I'm probably thirty years older than her, as Granny Chiyo said, so because I look young makes it ok that I date her. Even though she killed me. Same with Kakashi and her.

12) Orochimaru left Akatsuki because he wanted Itachi's body, but Itachi was too sexy for him to handle in his weird Michael-Jackson form.

13) I'm a little puppet, short and stout...here is my strings, and here is my mouth...

14) I like puppets...heehee... o.e

15) Would Mr. Kazekage like a cup of tea? *Pours some tea* mmmhmm, yes he would... *Deidara: Sasori, we gotz to go getz that Jinchuuriki, hmm...oh...tea time...that's so childish...can I join, un?*

16) Itachi, can I do your nails? *Itachi sighs, nodding* I only gotz purplez though... *Itachi shrugs* Yayz!

17) Sasori's so lonely...I gotz nobody...except for you, Kazekage-sama...mmm...

18) *Sasori dies* Ugh, finally! I'm outta this stupid series! Yes, now I can audition for New Moon in the Twilight series...I wantz to be Marcus cuz I'm a puppet and don't have emotions! Rawrz! Wait, Sai is auditioning? Noez!!!!


	15. Chapter 15: Deidara

Things Deidara would never say:

1) Ew! Clay's icky!

2) I love Itachi. Mmmm.

3) I wuv Sharingan!

4) Blonds are dumb, hmm.

5) I crossdress. So what? Sasori loves it, yeah.

6) My mouth-hands have tastebuds. Have you ever tasted clay? Not fun, hmm.

7) I'm really a girl. I used to be a boy, but you see, I had this...accident...and...the clay...exploded...

8) Let's talk about the birds and the bees. Birds explode twice as far as bees, but bees kill more often than birds...

9) Tobi's so cute, hmm.

10) I'm the only Akatsuki with style, yeah.

11) You know why I say, 'hmm'? I had a really chatty uncle. All his mouths talked at once. So I had to learn how to make believe I was listening, hmm. When I say hmm, I'm not listening, hmm. Hmm...

12) Mello's my soul mate! (From Death Note)

13) I only joined Akatsuki because Itachi's in it...hmm...

14) I hate Orochimaru 'cuz he made fun of my art, hmm. Said it was stupid, hmm. So I set his snake on fire, yeah. And I don't mean his reptiles.

15) My mouth-hands are so loquacious. Blabber all the time. And you know why I sewed up my chest-mouth? Exactly.

16) Oh yeah, threesome, un!


	16. Chapter 16: Zetsu

Sorry! I erased this chapter and re-posted it! I just got this really good idea I didn't want to waste. I added something at the bottom. Sorry, I thought it was a good idea!

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Things Zetsu would never say:

1) I love aphids.

2) Mmm, I'm delicious.

3) I have multiple personality disorder.

4) You can't descriminate against me. I'm black _and _white. And green...

5) My big leafy things _are _attached to me. At a certain place...

6) I'm watching you O.o

7) Wahh...Kisame didn't water me...I'm wilting...

8) Geez, everyone in Akatsuki keeps dying. Yum. Except for Sasori. He wasn't yum.

9) The birds and the bees...are buzzing around my head...(It's a song)

10) You found my Miracle Grow? No, I don't have ED... (xD)

12) I'll always win a staring contest. My eye never closes!

13) Wow, tastes like chicken. And alcoholic liver. Ick.

14) I'm a green mean mother from outer space...doo doo doo... (Song from Little Shop of Horrors)

15) *Watches video about the harvesting of vegetables* No! Auntie Clara!

16) I will eat your heart o.e (ok, he might say that...)

17) *Shivers* Damn it, I never wear a shirt...I'm so cold...

18) *Says to black half* Nigger! *Says to white half* White trash! (Don't be offended about this, please!)

19) *White half* Go McCain! *Black half* Go Obama!

20) When you see half of me molded with a tree? Guess what we're doing ;)

21) I work at the places Kakuzu gets his bounty...mm...bodies...

22) *Black half* Go Team Jacob! *White half* Go Team Edward! *stares at each other, and they both say* Oh, it's war!


	17. Chapter 17: Kakuzu

Things Kakuzu would never say:

1) I only buy expensive things.

2) I don't believe in the monetary system.

3) Hidan, you're more important to me that my money.

4) I'd give you my heart...all five of them.

5) I've decided to take up knitting.

6) Buy all these men a round, on me!

7) Hidan, I hope you never die.

8) Mm...black spaghetti...nom nom nom.

9) I'm bringing sexy back, y'all.

10) OMG HALO 3!!!!

11) I likez turtlez.

12) Don't break my heart~~~

13) I like donating to charity.

14) Money...it's a GAS...grab that cash with both hands and ma~a~ake a stash!! (Pink Floyd - Money)

15) You can't become happy with money.

16) Keep the change.

17) I'm poor.

18) Hidan...I...I want you to have my money!

19) Hidan, you and me are going places!!

20) Heh...I'm bankrupt...oh wellz.

21) Oh? A late fee for my book? Ok! And I'll give you a tip while I'm at it!

22) Hmm...this guy's worth 12 billion yen...but he looks hard to beat...let's just go.

23) Who wants a FREE hug?

24) I don't need Hidan's heart. I have five others...

25) I be a pimp.

26) WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM?!?!

27) Edward Cullen is MINE...soul, body, and HEART...


	18. Chapter 18: Hidan

Caution: Some extreme cursing.

--

Things Hidan would never say:

1) Owww! Don't hurt me!!!

2) Red is a horrible color.

3) Pfft. God? He never did anything for me...

4) YEAH!!! GO JOEL OSTEEN!!1!!!

5) Fuck the what?

6) You shouldn't curse, shithead!

7) Wait. I can't get into fucking heaven if I fucking curse? Shit...

8) Just Jashin with ya, man.

9) Kakazu, you stole my heart!!

10) I'mma be a skeleton for Halloween!!!

11) BUT I WANTZ PRETTY PRINCESS BARBIE!!!

12) Pain~~~ Without love~~~!!

13) *cries* Mother never did come to my dance recital...

14) Kakuzuuuuu!!! Where's my hair-gel?!?!

15) Why ? Am I !! Adding so many fucking?!?! Punctuation points? ?!?! / (Sorry, I had to do it...)

16) Ow! I cut myself with a knife!! Kakuzu, lick the wound better, pweez ;)

17) OH MY FUCKING GOD JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE!!!!

18) GRRRR!!! MY HEMOROIDS....RAWR!!! OH, YES, THE PAIN.......

19) Why in the fuck is this fucker with no fucking life coming up with a fucking list of fucking things I'd never fucking say? Fuck!

20) GASP. You said the ba-le-buh!!!*

21) Guess what also gets boned when I do my jutsu? ;)

22) You got two tails, I got one finger, bitch!! (ok, he might actually say that...)

23) Oh, Kakuzu...you're so sexy with your...er...spider...tendril...things....yeah! :D

24) This is the fucking end to this fucking chapter, you fucking fags!!

--

* This is from the Spongebob episode where Mr. Krabs tell Spongebob and Patrick not to make certain noises that translate to bad words. Spongebob said one and Patrick gasped and said, "You said the ba-le-buh!!"


	19. Chapter 19: Itachi

Just so that you're aware: Itachi pwns all other characters in this entire show, he's the coolest character ever. There are still some awesome characters out there, but Itachi is hands down the best. Thank you =]

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Things Itachi would never say:

1) Kisame, let's just cuddle tonight.

2) Brother! You've gotten so tall! (Actually, he did say that once, strike that =])

3) Wah, my life sucks! *slits wrists*

4) Sakura...you're so womanly ;)

5) I feel...so...pretty! So pretty, and witty, and gay...

6) I will eat your heart =]

7) Mmmmm...organs...

8) Does this nail polish match my eyes?

9) I need glasses.

10) No, Kisame, not a _drink _glass...stupid fish...

11) Who wants sushi? *Kisame screams*

12) My name is Itachi. *Hello Itachi* And I'm...I'm...an addict. Of cake. Stupid companion cube! (Portal joke, sorry.)

13) I miss Sasuke! *Sob*

14) Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor...

15) Yay, pretty black flames. They dance! Squeeee!

16) God! I hate this long line for my stupid _Breaking Dawn _book! God! I want to read about my Jacob again...Jacob...drool...

17) Kisame, your hand...is so scaly...haha...scaly... *Kisame: Itachi, have you been munching on one too many mushrooms while looking through one too many kaleidoscopes?* No!

18) Sasuke...you're hair looks like it's gonna...fly...away...pretty birdy!

19) Run, run, and cling to life. And when you have the same eyes as I do--oooooh, a butterfly!

20) Naruto's got great fashion sense.

21) And when you're dying I'll be still alive. And when you're dead I will be still alive. (Sorry, Portal...)


	20. Chapter 20: Special! SPOILERS!

_It's a special! I hope you like it! I wanted to draw it as a comic, but I can't draw for my life! SPOILERS!!!_

--

**How Madara Found Out About Itachi.**

"Are you evil?" Madara asks Itachi one day.

"Yes."

"Are you really evil?"

"Yes."

"Are you super evil?"

"Yes!"

"Are you super-duper positively amazingly stunningly impossibly awesomely--"

"Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes--"

"Do you love Sasuke?"

"--Yes! Yes! Ye--wait, what? No!"

"You love Sasuke! You love Sasuke!"

"No! Wait! Stop, I didn't mean--"

"Itachi loves Sasuke! Itachi loves Sasuke!" Madara starts to dance.

"Oh, forget it," Itachi sighs.

"Oh, Sasuke~~~!"

"Oh, shit!"

**And that is how Madara found out Itachi loves Sasuke.**

"No, I don't!"

--

_Teeheehee. There you go. Hoped you liked it. If it sucked, oh well. I thought it was funny when I thought of it._

_If I ruined something for you, then that sucks for you, but I warned you! _

_Cha._


	21. Chapter 21: Tobi

These are things _Tobi _would never say. This doesn't assume that he is Madara _or _Obito Uchiha. I personally believe him to be Madara...and I've read some pretty convincing stuff. But there will be comments here that could mean he's either Obito or Madara. Whatever. *Cough*Madara*cough*

By the way, this was kinda hard, because Tobi is a very silly guy and would say a lot of stuff. So be grateful I did it.

Sorry if there are some spoilers.

--

Things Tobi would never say:

1) I'm being completely serious.

2) I don't have Sharingan.

3) I'm not an Uchiha.

4) Wah! I got dust in my eyes!

5) Ring around the rosie, pockets full of posie, Uchiha, Uchiha, we all fall down!

6) Itachi is my lover.

7) Hey, Kakashi, how's Rin?

8) I love you, Deidara sempai!

9) They're taking the hobbits to Isengard! (x3)

10) I'm the Tob-master!

11) Gah, I'm going blind! Itachi, give me your eyes! *Itachi: I'm going blind too, idiot!*

12) Swirly, swirly, swirly mask...teeheehee...

13) Gah! Ronald McDonald is out to get me! Gaaah!

14) Hahaha! Kakashi, I don't have depth perception either!

15) Kakashi, give me my eye back!

16) Haha, Kakashi, I hide my face, too! (Wow, hey have a lot of similarities!)

17) Rin? Please. Konan!

18) Gah! The red clouds are out to get me! *Deidara: Tobiiii!*

19) Wah! Deidara died! He was a good sempai...I'll never forget him...*Deidara: Tobi! I'm still alive, you twit!* Wah! Deidara's still alive...

20) Aw! What a pretty clay birdy! Haha *boom* ahhhh!

21) I'd be a good husband. I'd clean for you, and cook for you. But not make babies. That's yucky. (Saw it in an icon!)

22) Sasuke, you're my cousin's daughter's sister's brother's mother's second cousin's aunt's grandmother's son's former roommate! *Sasuke: What does that make us?* Absolutely nothing!

23) Sorry, Sasuke. I lied about Itachi. *Sasuke: Wait, what? Aw, shit! But...I already...destroyed...Konoha...*

24) The Sharingan's power...my power...Obito Uchiha's power...

25) Hey, Deidara...I'll make you forget Sasori...real fast ;)

26) But Itachi killed his mother, his father, his lover and his friend...but the only one he couldn't kill...was me. Because I'm so awesome.


	22. Chapter 22: Obito

I LOVE OBITO.

Oh yeah, so far, I just want to apologize for all the cursing I've done. Sexual content, too. And if you dislike my side comments and little faces made up of punctuation marks, I'm sorry. But I've done this so much, I'm not gonna stop.

--

Things Obito would never say:

1) I _never _get dust in my eyes!

2) I'm always early, yeesh.

3) I'm the strongest of the Uchiha clan!

4) Rin, I love you! (I know he liked Rin, but he never would have said it.)

5) Kakashi, I love you!

6) The White Fang was a _total _loser.

7) Those who don't protect their comrades are kings.

8) Master likes me best!

9) My future cousin Sasuke is a total noob! Itachi will be so much cooler!

10) I love violence!

11) I never cry!

12) Only losers wear goggles.

13) I'm Tobi ]

14) Kakashi, I hate you, I never wanna see your face again, you loser.

15) Rin, you're such a bitch, get the hell out of my life.

16) Master, you're such an asshole, you're the slowest person I know.

17) *Kakashi: I'm the master today, and you have to do as I say!* Oh no you didn't, bitch.

18) How cool would it be if Kakashi just dropped dead? Right, Rin?

19) Doo doo doo...I'm not gonna die next chapter...doo doo doo...

20) Wow, Kakashi's soooo hot!

21) Wow, Rin, nice ass!

22) I'm glad I'm dead. Now I'm away from Kakashi!

23) Yo, Kakashi! *Kakashi: What? Obito? You're alive?* Yup! Damn, but Kakashi, your looks are drop-dead gorgeous! (xD)


	23. Chapter 23: Minato 4th Hokage

Ok, me _again. _I know, I'm so annoying. Anyway, the fourth Hokage's name, in fact, is Minato Namikaze. Not Arashi or whatever you people think.

Also, Kushina's his wife, if you didn't know. And in most of these it implies that his son is Naruto.

--

Things Minato (4th Hokage) would never say:

1) Naruto! Come here, you little squirt!

2) The Yellow Flash? How about the Yellow _Bang_! Oh yeah!

3) Obito, shut up and listen to Kakashi.

4) Kushina, you're my bitch.

5) God, why is my kid such a loser? Was he really _my _sperm?

6) No, Naruto's scratches did _not _come from child abuse! Geez!

7) Jiraiya let me spy with him on the women's bathes. That's how I met Kushina ;)

8) Aw! What a cute little foxy! Hey, come here, little fella--oh, shit, not that close! Gaaah!

9) My hair...is so...poofy x3

10) Ow...my hair...is so spiky

11) Heehee...I have a cape O.o

12) Of _course _I'mthe leader of Akatsuki. I mean, duh. I _totally _have gray ringed eyes, and I'm sooo alive. And of course I want to kill my only son!

13) *Obito: Master, Kakashi is bullying me.* Well, duh, you're an Uchiha but you're a loser. Then again, Sasuke is too, but he treats him good... (Just so we're clear, Obito is NOT a loser.)

14) Team Edward, yo!

15) Jiraiya-sensei...could I...take a peek at that book you're writing? o//o

16) *Looks into mirror* WHOA! Hey, handsome! Lookin' mighty fine today, ain't ya?

17) A sulfur atom, the sixteenth element on the periodic table, is made up of sixteen electrons, neutrons and--oooh, a butterfly!

18) I'm so badass.

19) Remember, team, Kakashi's in charge today because he's so much cooler than all of you.

20) My life-long dream has come true. My handsome mug had been imprinted on a mountain face for all to see. Damn, I'm hot.

21) DAMN, Jiraiya's butt-ugly.

22) Ow! You mean I have to _bleed _to summon Gamabunta? Uh, no thanks! Not with _this _manicure!

23) I'm the best Hokage that ever Hokage'd.

24) Party like a Ho...party like a Hokage...(Ha, party like a Ho...oops. I have a dirty mind.)

25) I feel so...pretty. So pretty, and witty, and...hungry.

26) What would Brian Boytano do if he was here today? I'm sure he'd kick an ass or two, that's what Brian Boytano'd do. (From the South Park movie.)


	24. Chapter 24: Choji

I kinda felt bad about making this one. I'm sorry I made so many fat jokes. No offense intended! Choji's a pretty cool character.

--

Things Choji would never say:

1) I'm not hungry.

2) I'm anorexic. (If that's how you spell it!)

3) Ew! Potato chips!

4) The weight-measure thingy said I weigh 100 pounds!

5) Call me fat! Please! Just one more time!

6) Shikamaru, get a life, will you?

7) Ugh, he's so fat. I'm glad I'm not like that.

8) Here, you can have the last peice.

9) Chojilicious, duder.

10) How many calories does that have?

11) I collect butterflies O.o

12) Ino, go out with me!

13) Who you calling fatass? Oh, me? Oh...ok.

14) I'm fat, I'm fat! You know it! (Weird Al)

15) Eat it! Just eat it! (Weird Al)

16) I haven't eaten all day.

17) Human Boulder is my _real _size.

18) I was voted Little Miss Konoha!

19) Does this headband make me look fat?

20) If you call me a fatass, I'll sit on you.

--

Yay! This is my twentieth chapter! Whoo! Sorry, Choji was a hard one to do because I couldn't think of anything.


	25. Chapter 25: Kyuubi

Things Kyuubi would never say:

1) MM...chewy cage bars...rawrz.

2) I'm so jealous of Minato's hair =[

3) I totally came to Konoha randomly and was not forcibly via genjutsu told to destroy the entirety of the Leaf Village by some should-be dead has-been Uchiha who wants revenge on his clan and old village...

4) Naruto...you know that explosive diarrhea you had a few months ago? It wasn't your fault...

5) Madara...your hair...is so cute =3

6) Man, I feel like a woman ^^

7) Oh, Minato...the way you sealed half my chakra into your own son so cruelly...was so sexy. O.o

8) I love the faces of the innocent peoplez when I slaughterz them o.e

9) I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL =F

10) Cats scare me...

11) Ow, my tailbone hurts...in nine different places =[

12) Man, this room I'm cooped up in is so small...and why the hell is there water on the ground? I mean, come on, that makes absolutely no sense...I'm inside a twelve-year-old/sixteen-year-old (depending on Shippuuden or just Naruto) and he apparently has stone corridors and a giant jail cell where his gull bladder should be! That can't be good for him...not that I care...heh...heh...

13) Oh yeah, guys, you know you want this...what, who said I was a male? Who? GEEZ.

14) And then I said to Ichibi, "Oh noez, you didn't!" And then Hachibi was, like, "Oh yes, she did!"

15) I tried out for the musical Cats...but they said I wasn't creepy enough.

16) Kyuubi: Yeah, I'm a real FOX. Naruto: You knew it was coming.

17) _Cackle cackle. _Come to the dark side...we have Naruto! And...apparently...flooded floors...my paws are so wet

18) _Purrr._

19) Wow. I have thumbs! Yayz, apposable thumbs :D

20) Madara's my master. We're friends...with benefits...

21) Wow, I have nine tails. That makes absolutely no evolutionary sense. Ha, proof of God! Wait, no, you can't prove the existence of God...(That's right, people on Youtube trying to prove God's existence. You can't. So stop trying, please. And if you choose to believe you should have faith in His existence, and to believe in Him purely by proof is stupid. Sorry for my rant =])

22) Scar from _The Lion King _is my hero ^^

23) I eat babies.

24) Hey, Itachi, thanks for the nail polish...so pretty...

25) Ugh, it's so small in this wittle cage...and so cold...*shiver shiver* Maybe I should go to _EHarmony _or ...or maybe _JDate_...

26) Gimme back that fillet fish, gimme that fish...gimme back that fillet fish, gimme that fish...what if it were you, hanging up on this wall? If it were you in that sandwich you wouldn't be laughing at aaaall!

27) Guess where they got the idea for the _FOX _channel? That's right, bitch.

--

Sorry if it sucked!


	26. Chapter 26: Nagato

Caution: Spoilers from as late as chapter 449 (our most recent chapter as of May 29th 2009).

By the way--I was rereading the Sasuke vs. Killer Bee battle, and I realized how racist it was. Is it just me, or is the Killer Bee made out to be a "stereotypical" black guy? Rapping, with barely any grammar...and his Hokage brother is freakin' gigantic!

Maybe I'm reading too far into it.

P.S. Tiny is Nagato's dog.

--

Things Nagato would never say:

1) Yahiko--what a douchebag!!!

2) I was just diagnosed with osteoporosis...what a surprise!

3) I have red hair? No way! I could have sworn I had black hair!

4) Konan! Where the fuck is my red-bull?

5) Mmm...I want Yahiko's body...literally ;)

6) Peace, duderz =P

7) Rock 'n roll, bitchez.

8) Noez!!! Itachi!!! My bitch!!!

9) That's some ugly-ass origami, Konan...

10) Mmm...Naruto...you foxy jinchuuriki ;) Naruto: O.e

11) THAT'S HACKIN' BITCHIN'!!!

12) I NEED MY MEDICATION!!!

13) It's rainin' men...hallelujah! It's rainin' men...

14) Froggy go jump-jump!!!

15) Pretty wittle red cloudy-clouds~~!!!

16) Magical hair dye! Turn your hair white in a snap!! Oh, snap, sistuh!!

17) Crap...my ear fell off AGAIN...oh, shit! My balls just dropped! (This is meant to say that Nagato is so old and thin and brittle that things fall off him =])

18) I AM the Banana King!

19) Konan, bear my offspring!

20) Damn, I just _got_ to finish my collection of pokemans!!! I gotz my Espeon and meh Tauros, but I be wantin' dat nine-tails!!

21) *Laughs at Konan, in Hanzo's arms* Fuck you Konan! My lover's Yahiko! *Runs off with Yahiko, skipping*

22) Yahiko, STFU! I think you would fucking cry too if you watched your fucking parents die! GEEZ!!

23) Awww, Tiny, you wittle cutey pie!!

24) Konan: I dream of ponies and sunshine. Yahiko: I dream of WORLD DOMINATION.

25) OMG, that salamander is GIGANTIC.

26) Grow up? The hell does that mean? Code-talker...

27) If there's such a thing as peace, I'll find it! Even if it means killing everyone, at least there will be peace!

--

Sorry if it's not all that good.


	27. Chapter 27: Danzou

Holy shizznit, I'm cursing a _lot _now.

Oh yeah, I was looking at past ones that I wrote, and I actually doubled over laughing at some of them. Eh, I crack myself up.

--

Things Danzou would never say:

1) Immerse yourself within the Danzou!

2) Let me give you a hand...oh wait, I only have one, and I need that to masturbate with... (omg I can't believe I thought of that)

3) Has anyone seen my other eye? I haven't, because I only have one!

4) I don't want to be Hokage. Too much hassle.

5) Orochimaru, don't stick that there!

6) I wanted to adopt Sasuke, but Itachi wouldn't let me...

7) Does this Hokage Hat make me look fat? Oh, that rhymes!! Tee hee hee...

8) Now to put on my underwear! Oh, crap...Saiiii!!!

9) "The Foundation"? Da fuck kinda name is that? It's called "Roots"!!!

10) Oh noez, don't kill Yahiko! He's too cute!

11) I fucking _love _aangst!

12) My hair looks like _spiderzzz _YAY!!!

Thirteen) 256986389

14) *Sob**Sob* _MICHAEL JACKSON!!! _*Sob*

15) Down with the establishment!!!

16) You gotta fight...for your right...to _paaaaaartay!!_

17) No, Tsunade, I wasn't--I was gonna give it back--ack, my arm!!!!

18) Did Orochimaru take my dildo _again!!?_

19) OMG, the Akatsuki's coming! Where are my crumpets and tea?

20) Naruto, you _fox_!!

21) You've been hit by...you've been struck by...a Smooth Criminal!!! (Michael Jackson, RIP)

22) Holy shit, I broke a nail.

23) Sai, you're my bitch.


	28. Chapter 28: Kimmimaro

Man! I thought I would make it easier to find chapters--like, put all the Sannin chapters together, and all the Akatsuki together, yada yada yada. But I regret it now. Still, it took too much of my time, so I'm not changing it. But now in Choji's chapter it says, "my twentieth chapter!" When now it's at chapter 24. Ugh. Whatever. Deal with it.

And now, the chapters will be wherever they are. Just like before. Yay.

Also, again, any suggestions for future Naruto people to totally humiliate?

--

Things Kimmimaro would never say:

1) Nuuu, I have bone cancer!

2) Orochimaru can suck my bone-hard dick.

3) I'd do Orochimaru any day.

4) I fucking love my purple rope thing. Now I look just like Big Brother Orochimaru!

5) Alright, we shall now be called the _Musical _Five! Kidomaru, you get the bass, Tayuya the flute--obviously--Jirobo...how about you just sit over there in the corner...

6) I want my mommy

7) Nooo! All my life, my goal has been to have Orochimaru _inside _me...and now that will never be. ='[ Fine, I prefer Jugo...

8) Maybe Lord Orochimaru wants Sasuke...because he's better looking?!? *Sob*

9) I'm bony, I'm bony, leave me alone-y*...

10) Obviously, Masashi Kishimoto was never really realistic in his manga, because I was nearly dead and somehow  
I made a giant forest of bone and I don't even think that's humanly possible, even for a Kaguya...

11) I'm the _coolest _gray-haired guy in this show! I mean, step aside, Kabuto, Kakashi, _I'm _coming through...

12) Nuuu Kabuto I don't _wanna _take my cough-medeciiiiine!!!!

13) What? These dot-things on my forehead? No, they're just Fruit Roll-Up Stickers.

14) Goddamn this Swine Flu...

15) *To Orochimaru* Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around, and desert you...**

15) I wanna make up right na-na-na, I wanna make up right na-na-na***...Right, Akon? *It's Ukon, you idiot!*

16) The flower won't be my fweind, Owochimawu-chaaaan!!

17) Do I look like I'll take your crap, you donkey-ball-licker?!

18) I don't have any niiiipples!!! :D

19) Holy shit omg this Naruto fan site says I'm fifteen!? Oshitmeisters I thought I was at least 25!!! (Seriously, wtf? No way!)

20) What does the mighty name of Kaguya mean? Furniture store. :D

21) Juuuugo, mah only brothuh, I shalt miss youuuuu!!!

22) Jugo, our future children will never be. I must leave you, my love...

23) Sasuke, you touch my Jugo-chan, and I will break your nonexistent dick off.

--

*I think it's from the Weiner Show or whatever...my mom sings this all the time...I have a weird family...

**You just got Rick Roll'd.

***Right Na-Na-Na, Akon (By the way, I made the 3 stars a smiley face originally, but apparently isn't pro-smiley...)


	29. Chapter 29: Kabuto

At this point...48 reviews. :3!!! I be so happy right now. I feel loved x333.

I'm just scared my humor is gonna run out =[.

Also, I got major writer's block when I wrote this. It was very annoying.

--

Things Kabuto would never say:

1) Ugh, I don't feel like making Orochimaru's medecine today.

2) Fuck Orochimaru, I'm going to the Akatsuki.

3) Sasori, I just LOVE your hair!

4) Sasori...this puppet is really cozy...don't you think? *Huggles*

5) I be a-mixing teh potions and teh juices and teh li...li...liquids! Ooh, dats a hard word, hard word...all fo Owochimawu-samaaaaaaa~~~!!! *Orochimaru: STFU, KABUTO!!!*

6) Things that bother you never bother me, I feel happy and fine, living in the sunlight, loving in the moonlight, having a wonderful TIIIIME~~~!!!*

7) Orochimaru!!! I have the map to the location of the--AGHUGHGH!!! *Sasuke: It's...it's not what you think...**Orochimaru: Sorry, Kabuto, your butt just isn't that tight anymore.*

8) Grr...if it wasn't for Orochimaru, I'd know what sex with a _girl_ is like...

9) Ok, so I just fill this syringe with this liquid and then--whoops! Oh crap...ow, ow...someone call the doctor...poison control...ASPCA...

10) Hey Orochimaru...I was meaning to tell you something...this oral medication you've been taking...needs this certain ingredient...and...umm...pfffft-- *Orochimaru: Get on with it, Kabuto.* Human...sperm.

11) Pfft, Kimmimaro, you may think you are the coolest gray-haired person, but I am the coolest SILVER-haired person, biatch!

12) *Orochimaru: Hey, Kabuto, here's a belated birthday present...* Oh, you're too kind! Wait, what the--AUGHH, OROCHIMARU, IT'S BITING ME!!!!

13) *Orochimaru: Hey, Kabuto, could you do the laundry?* Sure, just give me the--oh, God, not the bed sheets! Ewwww!!

14) Hey, Orochimaru, I have your--OMG, OROCHIMARU! *Orochimaru: What? I get lonely...*

15) Don't call me four-eyes, or I'll burn your _Seventeen _magazines! *Sasuke: You bitch!*  
16) *Sasuke: Waaaah! I don't like shots!* Don't worry...it'll take two seconds...there we go...would you like a lollipop now?

17) Owochimawu, your skin is so scaly x3 can I touch it? Pweez? *Orochimaru: Fiiiine.* Yaaaay!!! *touch*

18) Hop hop hop goes the toad, it does, it hops, yes it does, you don't believe me?!?! It hops, and it hops, and it HOPS!!! *Orochimaru: Ok, Kabuto, you know that vacation you were talking about? You go ahead and take it...*

19) *Sasuke: Sorry, Kabuto, I think I broke this lamp...* What lamp?!?! *Sasuke: This one...* Nuu! That's Orochimaru's heat lamp! *Sasuke: And that...means...?* Orochimaru is _cold-blooded!! _*Sasuke: Oh. Shit.*

20) I iz a pokemoooon!!! :3

21) Look, Owochimawu, I is a snake toooo!! *Orochimaru: Kabuto, get off of the floor...*

--

*Living in the Sunlight, by Tiny Tim. Also from the first episode of Spongebob.


	30. Chapter 30: Suigetsu

Things Suigetsu would never say:

1) Karin, you are so beautiful.

2) Karin, you are totally NOT a bitch!

3) Sasuke, you is my hero!

4) Slice, slice, slice, I made salami!!!

5) Kisame's so sexy!

6) Daddy!! *Kisame: Suitgetsu, get OFF me.*

7) Hey, it's Zabuza's sword, I'll just--OH MY GOD! *Zabuza: Grawwwwr my sword!*

8) Kisame, can I hold the sword? *K: No.* Can I TOUCH the sword? *K: No.* Can I THINK about touching the sword? *K: ....no.* ='[

9) Choujuurou, you look like a turtle! :D

10) Big brover, I wuv you!

11) *Sasuke: Karin, how did you get these bite marks on your neck?* It wasn't me! o///o

12) OWWIE, I bit my lip!

13) *Karin takes a sip of water: Ew, this water tastes funny...* OWWW OMG MY ARM! MY ARM!

14) Let's go surfing, bra.

15) The Game.*

16) Zorro is my IDOL.

17) GO ADAM FUCKING LAMBERT!!!

18) *Kisame: Gatorade.* H2O!! *K: Gatorade.* H2O!!!**

19) Sasuke, I am totally NOT in love with you.

--

*For those who don't know, "The Game" is a game in which so long as you don't remember that you're playing, you're winning. So someone tells you about the game, and then you forget about it, and a few weeks later, you're reminded again, and you lost, and then it starts over. It's actually a very fun game. I just lost, by the way. Crap.

**_The Waterboy_


End file.
